Monday, September 27, 1999: Long Day & Soundscaping

Yikes. What a long day. 9:30 am to 8:00 pm. No luck. So very tired, no luck just absolute frustration.

Schwabbie left a message on my machine. I'm not sure what to do... But in a way I don't see a choice.

THE BIG QUESTION IS WHEN...

When do I go? Nov? Dec? Or January? I don't see a point in going before then...

UGH!

I walked home and got in at around 9:30 pm.

I soundscaped for about an hour. It was like it usually is. It was just like walking into a garden, then into a temple, then to a fountain in the temple, and having the water pour over you... Then with-drawing, walking out the way you came backwards, with head bowed...

I can't explain it better than that. Actually that's the best explaination I can give.

No words can really discribe it. More and more I feel I can create a proper soundscape outside the confines of my room.

Strange ~ when I am soundscaping I have no doubt of who I am or what I am or anything about myself. I have no doubt of myself ~ None. Yet how is it when I'm here all those worries and doubtsreturn? How can I walk with out that attack on me? How do I step outside and bring that soundscape thing with me? Or can I? I don't know. I don't know what to do... or where to go..

Sunday, September 26, 1999: Brunch Notes

2:30 pm... Eating at GFM. Annoying loud table next to me. Sandy is in Victoria so things don't go a smoothly as normal. Last night's wedding went extremely well. Which is a relief. I was afraid it would be a nightmare. I talked to M afterwards.

~ JL left a message yesterday. Wanting me to go somewhere or other with her. Oh well. She had more than her chance and all she ever did was wave her mistrust of "men" at me. And now here I am. In love with M.

Friday, September 24, 1999: Far Away

Richard F is gone from Snowmelter.

Last night Justin M and I went and saw "Freakwater" and got REALLY drunk.

~ I'm undecided still about Manila. The idea about being so far away from M... Even being this far away is too much... I had sort of an urge last night to hop on a bus and go up to Ottawa for a few days. Call Rod and say I can't make it to DJ and work and say "Bye"... Just to hide away from the noise of the house and the stress of work and DJing and Snowmelter... Run away to Michelle's arms and hide myself. I miss her so much.

And I am amazed at how much I'm feeling. How did this suddenly happen?

12:35 ... Just back from Al Beardsell's. The house he lives in with Kate and their 3 year old son. He's proud of his Guitar making set up. I'm totally in awe of his guitar making ability. I've aways been in awe of his playing. But just being able to hammer two pieces of wood together amazes me... Being able to build a guitar from nothing but some wood and stuff. To me that's like magic.

~ Beck on the CD player. Sunni works. April and Nathan talk. I feel far away.

Wednesday, September 22, 1999: Death of Snowmelter

Well... I'd say Snowmelter is dead.

And now I'm at 43 Below watching the Undesirables.

And Snowmelter is dead. I don't even care. Well... That's not true. But why do I subject myself to the frustration of being in a band. I'd be happier to just soundscape in my room for God. Why do I go to all the trouble of lugging all that gear around and so on and so forth just to have it end up as a big thankless headache.

Why?

Is it worth it?

I don't think it is anymore. I don't think anything is worth that.

Tuesday, September 21, 1999: Day Off

I didn't go in today. I slept until 1:00 pm. Straight through. I spent the day cleaning up the apartment. I put all the gear out of the way and did two loads of laundry. I could probably do two more loads but not today.

And I sat on the GFM patio and had a bite.

Meredith is working alone today. Lucinda Williams is on the CD player. I am inside now because it's 5:30 pm and when the sun went behind the building the temperature just dropped.

Tiff just walked in. She has funny hair. It's growing in all fluffy.

Nathan has arrived, long time no see.

Rob is gong back to Alberta in the next few weeks. A sad thing. I wll miss having him here. I really enjoy hanging out with him ~

I ran into Justin and Kim on the way down. I talked to them a bit.

~ Autumn is definately here.
I can feel it. I can smell it. Time to re-read lord of the rings.

Meredith says "you can't leave yet"...

~ I miss M ~

I miss her eyes & her smile. The way she touches me and the way we fit together when we hug. I wish she lived here. Or me there. To be able to live with her and wake up with her. Hmmm. That would be good.

Sandy Moon just arrived...

Monday, September 20, 1999: Meeting JL

I slept through my alarm. I was at work for 1:30 pm. I was in a foul mood but wrote one anyways.

JL called me and wanted to meet up. So I said "sure". We met at Spadina Station at 8:30 pm. We went to Rajputs and sat in the back. We had half a litre of wine and ate, and we talked. I told her about what was going on with M and she looked as if she was going to cry. She told me she's moving out from the Troll's in November. Afterwards we went to GFM for tea and hung out until about 11:30 pm. I walked her back to the subway and said good bye. She hugged me good bye and it was strange. My first thought was how little she is physically compared to M. How different.

I walked home afterwards.

Sunday, September 19, 1999: M Goes Back

I would have loved to have slept all day but the THUMPA THUMPA THUMPA started at 10:30 am. We went to GFM for brunch and hung out there. Justin and Cynthia joined us and we all went to Song Bird in the Impala. M bought a metronome and Rob bought some guitar strings. We drove back up to GFM and had dinner before it was time to pack M up to catch her bus. That was a very sad goodbye. As wonderful as meeting her at the station was on Friday... Saying goodbye was brutal. I was so sad afterwards...

hmmmm...

Rob and I went to see "The 13th Warrior" which was a hokey fantasy film... But we love it anyways. Lots of swords and battle scenes.

Afterwards we went to the Cameron House and waited for Justin and Cynthia to show up. Kevin Quain played exceedingly well. I tried Kilkarney beer which I like better than Guiness. We stayed for both sets and then went to Vesta afterwards for a 2:00 am meal. Rob headed back and now...

Saturday, September 18, 1999: Snowmelter Gig Frustration

M & I woke up around noon. Cousin Rob called and said he could come down so we said to meet us at the GFM. We got up, showered and headed over for brunch.

There was a Snowmelter practice at 6:30 pm. Justin's friend from Baltimore named Cynthia was up. Rob, M and her went over to GFM while we reheased until 7:30 pm. Then we loaded out. It was a typical load out.

The gig itself was frustrating. We played well, and we had a very good turn out and a sizable crowd who stayed to the end... But for me it was frustrating. Afterwards Richard F went with Twinn for pizza. Rob, Justin and I loaded out then we dropped Cynthia off at Justin's and Justin off at Kim's. The we went for Chinese at the Neon Lobster. I was starving and so tired.

It was wonderful to snuggle up with M later and fall asleep. Rob crashed down in the front room on L's old yoga mat, in GRH's sleeping bag.

Friday, September 17, 1999: M Arrives Again

I went in to work today and wrote one. I got my cheque and it was alot more than I expected. I'd expected something sad like $100 bucks but it was about $450 which is still sort of sad. At least there's DJing...

I walked home and bought two CDs... Lucinda Williams "Car Wheels on a Gravel Road" and Wilco "Summer Teeth"... It's been a long time since I've bought a CD.

M called tonight when I was making her a mix tape. She said she'd be arriving on an earlier bus at around 9:30 pm. I finished the tape and went down to the bus station and waited for her. She came in at 9:50 pm. She didn't see me when she got off the bus so I came up behind her when she was crossing the street to go to the main terminal. It was wonderful to see her. We hugged and kissed for a long time. Then we walked up to Bloor via Beverly after going along College. We had some Indian food at Rajput then went to GFM for a visit. Then it was to 1019.

Thursday, September 16, 1999: A Change

I met with Schwabbie today at Movinpick. That was sort of weird. He INSISTS that I am wasting my time here... Really only Snowmelter and M keeps me. For how much longer? I think I will go. At least try. Maybe wait until the new year. I just want to get away...

I spoke to JL this week. She claims she's leaving Goat-Boy (again). M seems oddly distant which is too bad. The distance is brutal. And if I go to Manila it will be worse. But I can't resist the money much longer. And I'm tired of all the opinions over here. I'm sick of Toronto in many ways. A change is what I need.

Monday, September 13, 1999: Thumpa Thud

I was going to sleep in today but at 9:45 am it started... Thump Thud Thump Thud Thump Thud... So I went into the office. It was a pointless day. At lunch I did Kim's Deli. John Collins seemed oddly glad to see me. Weird. I talked to M for a bit.

I walked home at around 7:00 pm. My day long headache faded as I programmed beats for "Red Rocket" and "Space Walk" which I finished in song form on the Groove Box. Now it's just a matter of going over them with Justin and Richard.

11:15 pm... Tired. Will I have to listen to the bass drums tonight?

Sunday, September 12, 1999: Back in Toronto

12:20 at Grape Fruit Moon...

Well now I feel like I'm home. I came over last night after I got in and got drunk on three Iron Dukes. Perry the Brit was here and Meredith had just finished her shift so I hung out with them. I ended up talking to M until late afterwards.

NOW I'M BACK.

Sunniva and Sandy are working and it feels more like a Saturday for some reason. Sandy asked if I wanted to go to Paramount Wonderland with her and the kids at noon. I'm not sure if I will.

WHO CALLED? While I was gone...
JL, GRH, M, and Mark Schwab (?)... Manila.. I don't know. I can't think about that right now....

11:30 pm...

It would apper that Laura, Sandy's sister provided Sandy with dozens of free pases to Wonderland from her job. So at 2:00 pm I came back to the GFM and played "Abbey Rules" Pictonary (rules are reduced the simplest form). We drove up at 2:45 pm. Sunniva and Sandy rode up in the front and I was crammed in the back with Abbey and Quinn.

I rode this Roller Coaster called "The Wild Beast" with Sunniva and we talked abit about my trip which was good. Afterwards we met up with Quinn, Abbey and Sandy and headed over to the other ride called the Vortex which was really cool. Then... We met up with Sandy who'd also found her Brother Kevin, his girlfriend and some other people. Sunniva wanted to go on this vomit inducing ride called the "Jet Stream" but I refused so Sandy agreed to go.

By this point Sandy had rented this plastic wagon thing to drag Abbey and Quinn around in. Abbey wasn't feeling well and by the time we got to the Slip Stream or Jet Scream or whatever Abbey was curled up in the wagon with a couple of sweaters over her. After about 20 minutes of waiting and JUST as Sandy was about to get on Abbey started shivering, then coughing, then she sat up and BLAMO!!! Kid projectile vomit!!! She puked over the side of the wagon until there was nothing left to come up except air. Poor kid!!

There were no more rides after that. Sandy and I took Abbey to the first aid station and a nurse looked at her. They gave her some asprin for her fever and some water. Afterwards it was the long walk to the car. The drive back was even longer. It seemed as long as the flight from BC. Abbey curled up and fell asleep and Quinn jabbered all the way.

Once back to Sandy's I played video games with Quinn until it was time for him to go to bed. Abbey was already in bed but seemed a lot better. I walked Sunniva up to her new place and had a cup of tea then headed out. Now I'm just having a tea before I head home to crash. I hope that the comfort zone kids aren't there. I have grown weary of having to tell them to shut the music off.

Saturday, September 11, 1999: Leaving for Vancouver

An hour before I leave for Vancouver. I'm sitting in Jon's back yard listening to a mix tape Richard F made me.

Last night after visiting Henry & Annabell I stopped by Doug Newby's. That was a good visit.

Strange. I have Dad's ring...

The next time I write in this book will be tomorrow morning at the Grape Fruit Moon!

Thursday, September 9, 1999: Mom's Funeral

I crashed in Keith & Jenny’s RV trailer. I slept like a baby. I wish M could have been there… that would have been perfect. Waking up to the mountains was strange. There is a quality to the air that totally takes me back to all those mornings waking up in Columbia Valley PH Camp. The light, the coolness of the air... I got up and it was about 7:30 am. But again it was late for me. I came out and knocked on the door of the house and Keith let me in.

I had a bath, or at least tried to. I had forgotten that it is impossible to have a hot bath in any new house in B.C. Even though I was the first in the hot water in the thimble sized tank ran out. So the camp experience was completed with a freezing cold shower to wash off all the gunk that had come out of the tub facet. Ech…

Next came breakfast. Gil’s Mom (who’s 81 now and still seems exactly the same as when I met her as a kid) was up and she and Jenny made up toast, bacon, and eggs. It was a noisy breakfast with Kristin and Julian at the table, Rhonda defending her food from Gil and lots of laughing.

Everyone began to get ready at around 11:30 am for the funeral. I was the last to dress but with my “late for Monday morning meeting” routine down I was ready in about ten minutes. We drove down in two cars; I rode with Rhonda, Gil and Donna.

Mom’s funeral was at Woodlawn Funeral Home on Hawking Road. I must say it was a vast improvement over the place we had Dad’s at. Those guys at Dad’s were like used car salesmen or something. The guys from Woodlawn were great.

We arrived and the Apps side and some of ours were already there. They had everyone in a reception room; Mom was in viewing room beside the chapel. The Head Woodlawn guy seemed to think I was “in charge” of the Thomson side of things. I stayed in the viewing room with what wasn’t Mom any longer and was there for what ever weeping family members that were brave enough to come in. As it had been with Dad the body in the coffin bore almost no resemblance to Mom. Any quality Mom had that made her Mom was long gone.

Another thing that struck me was how for some of Howard’s Grand Children Mom was the ONLY Grand Mother they had known. The same way Brian Leger thinks of Howard as Grandpa.

During all of this Karen came up to me and told me that Howard had Dad’s wedding ring for me. Mom had given it to him and Howard wanted me to have it since all I was given from Dad’s stuff was a box of his old clothes that were too small for me.

During the service I sat with Celest and Anne. George’s eulogy was excellent. Bruce sang a song he wrote when I was young that Mom loved him to sing. It was difficult for him and he cried during it. For me it was hard to watch my Brothers (who I look up to being the youngest) rendered powerless by their grief. Oddly me the baby was the one least effected. But then I’ve grieved for a year under the watchful eyes of Sandy and Sunniva.

~ We drove to the graveyard – oh sorry – cemetery where Dad is buried. Doug Newby and Evans Palmer were already there. I rode with Karen and Howard in the limo with four of the other pal bearers. The graveside service was short and that was that. From there we went to the Salvation Army Hall on Brooks. That was a blur of half remembered faces and names… Bert Lang… Mr. Gallis and so on…
But who is there? Rose Gore! 92 years old. When Pearl Gore took me over to see her my first thought was “You’re still alive?” I’d figured she’d joined the saints long ago. She still lives on the farm on Fairfield Island too. Jon and I used to ride there to visit her and Bill Gore on our long summer bike rides when I was 8 and Jon 6. They would invite us in and make us tea. Once before I went with Mom and Dad to visit Alberta (pre-move) Bill had asked me to bring back a gopher. When I visited them after we had come back I’d said quite apologetically “I’m sorry Mr. Gore, I didn’t bring you back a gopher”. She actually remembered that. It was strange but wonderful to see her.

Apparently everyone kept coming up to George’s son Rick (who’s about 12 years younger than me) and asking him if he was me.

After the reception Howard slipped me Dad’s ring. Then we went back to Howard’s for the dispersal of stuff. I focused on the photos and divided them up amongst the family. We took stuff back to Keith and Jenny’s after some delays and that was that.

I HAVE DAD’S RING…

Keith drove Anne I back to Chilliwack and Gil rode along.

SO THAT IS IT.

Now it’s over and things change and move towards who knows what. The last few days have been almost a walking déjà vu. Things unfolding as if I’d seen them in a dream.

Tomorrow I will go visit Henry and Annabell.

Wednesday, September 8, 1999: Going Up to Hope

Well… I am glad that is over with.

I arrived in Vancouver Airport to be met by Lanai and Kim. W drove up to where Jon works and visited him briefly. It was good to see him again. Afterwards we stopped at Wendy’s Burgers for “food”… I find fast food meals expensive, small and unfilling. Then we drove to Yarrow.

I watched “Something About Mary” with Lanai and Kim. Jon didn’t get home from work until 1:30 am B.C. time. I was long asleep by then.

I woke up Wednesday morning at around 8:00 am, for me that was sleeping in since Toronto is three hours ahead. Lanai made this amazing breakfast with hash browns, eggs and bacon. Jon and I drove into Sardis and did some shopping. I had to buy film and shaving stuff. Afterwards we drove up to Columbia Valley and Cultas Lake. Later Jon dropped me off at my Step-Dad Howard’s for about half an hour.

I don’t even know how to describe that. He was there with his foster Daughter Karen who was the one taking care of all the arrangements for the Apps end. Howard almost started to cry when I came in. It was truly weird ringing that doorbell and not having Mom answer, and even weirder sitting in the living room full of furniture and stuff of Mom’s with out her there.

I had a tea and we talked. Then Karen brought up the subject of Mom’s “stuff”. The furniture she felt should stay “until Dad’s finished with it” (to which I said sure, as I’d never get any of it anyways) and she wanted to have us over after the funeral in the evening to take away a lot of the other small stuff to divide amongst ourselves… and with that conversation I realized what roll I would play in this whole thing. I would be the go between – the one coordinating between Howard and our family.

I know there was talk that he was pissed off at so and so for this or that or not visiting Mom. I don’t think much of that is true. I half expected Howard to be mad at me for not flying out to visit before hand but in the end I came out as the man of the hour – a strange roll for me to play. Certainly not one I’m used to. Karen and I talked and made arrangements as well discussing “tomorrow’s” order of events. Jon picked me up and we went back to Yarrow, Howard almost crying again as I felt.

~ So Anne came into Chilliwack and was staying at her boyfriend Paul’s Brother’s. Again the tune was people wanting her to stay somewhere “more supportive” but after meeting Paul’s Brother Perry and his family I don’t think she could have been in a more supportive place. The level of non-acceptance that reveals itself at these events really bothers me. No wonder George keeps a safe distance. What hurts does he carry?

Anyways…

We (Jon & I) picked up Anne and drove to Keith and Jenny’s in Hope. Maralyn was there. It was bizarre to see her with barely any hair from her kimo. I worry that she might not make it through this. I told Donna as much but didn’t mention the dream I had about Maralyn walking across the water.

Gil was there too. Bruce, Carmina and Val arrived as well. Rhonda and Brian Leger reliving their summer memories and forcing us to watch some video of them rehearsing with Bruce. At Dad’s funeral Bruce handled almost everything, this time out he seems overwhelmed by his sorrow. Who can blame him? Val was unusually quiet. This is what I see. I could be wrong. But it’s how it felt to me.

Anyways Jon had to try on a suit. It was a blue pin-striped affair that belonged to Dad once. Some how Gil ended up with it. That only served to remind me of Dad’s passing in 1990. It was good being there. Again I took on the roll Dad would have. Making sure people didn’t look like “bo-hunks” as he would have said. Insisting both Jon & Keith wore white shirts with their suits not patterned ones, and by joking around and making them laugh.

At the end of the evening I spoke to M for awhile. The “L” word has been exchanged. Love… I love her. Dare I admit that. To her to myself. Too late. And she said it right back…

Tuesday, September 7, 1999: Flight to BC

Strange how the date September 9, 1999 has always stood out in the back of my mind. I remember thinking about that date while sitting on the Black Rooster patio last summer. ~

I’m in the plane, flying to Vancouver. It is 7:45 pm EST. ~

Rheostatics on the walkman – A tape Chris C made for me when I went out in ’97. I feel myself shifting as I get closer to B.C. to the me who’s only sort of surfaced recently. The me who stopped those two guys from beating up the old guy on Spadina Ave on Valentines Day in ’98. The me that is strong. The me who knows what to do or say. So now I reveal myself as never before. And my family will know who listened at his Father and Mother’s feet. I won’t hide who I am.

Here we go. 25 minutes to Vancouver and we descend.

Tuesday, September 7, 1999: Flight Booked

We (you, me, Vic) just had an amazing breakfast at GFM. Yummy. We'll be leaving shortly, and I MISS YOU already! Thanks for being in my life. I'll talk to you tonight. M xoxo

Well... 12:05 and I'm alone again at the GFM. M just left with her friend Vicki. What I am feeling scares me alot...

Falling...

She showed up at GFM on Saturday night at around midnight. We stayed briefly then went back to 1019...

WOW...

Sunday morning we got my ticket to Vancouver. I leave tomorrow which gives me time to organize myself with regards to work. I'l go into work then leave from downtown. I come back on Saturday.

So... the 18th gig will go on.

~ So now I am here alone... It's weird. Michelle is unbelievable.

After we booked my flight we went to GFM. We saw Cousin Rob's car parked out front so we met up with him inside. Justin M was doing a Morris Dance at the Dufferin Park so we drove over in the Impala to that. We'd missed it but he and Kim where there and they invited us back to the after-party at someone's house. There were at least 100 people in the backyard of this place. Eventually some Morris Dancing was done. I must say Justin is a hell of a Dancer. He did a solo jig called "Lumpy Plumb Pudding" and it was amazing to watch. He does it with the natural confidence of someone who has done this all his life. Afterwards we drove them (Kim and Justin) back over to Justin's.

~ We had pizza at that place on Queen St W that ELB and I used to always go to. I forget the name... Tattori I think.. Good food though... Then we went to see Kevin Quain.

Kathryn who was with Michelle the night we met was there as well as Vicki who is really cool. Another friend of theirs named Patricia showed up. We stayed for both sets. M and I walked back to 1019...

We slept until 9:30 am or so... Vicki called to make arrangements for picking her up at GFM.

~ I miss her now...

MRM just walked by. She saw me and came in to talk. She's an odd one. She punches me in the arm when she leaves and says "take het heasy" in her thick South American accent.

~ I can hear the jets from the airshow but I can't see them. I must organize myself for tomorrow. I need to make Brengun a mix tape. I should buy some film too.

12:50... I've moved outside. The lightening rod tent isn't up so now that the sky has cleared its really hot and sunny out. So its cooler indoors. Cheryl Leger called lastnight and left a message as did Nephew Jon. It's hard to believe I'll see them all soon.

Yikes... This is so heavy. But what can I do?

2:40 pm... GFM "closes" until 6:00 pm in 20 minutes...

I spoke to Bruce.

I'm sure when I get out there everyone will be all "concerned" at "how I am" because I am the baby etc. Amazingly I'm fine thanks to the support of those who've been my family when they didn't have to be...

Drew & Carean, Arielle, Sunniva, Sandy, Rod the Man, M, Justin M, Richard F, Chris C, etc etc...

A long list.

canadian airlines term 3
file # RIODTR
Tuesday Sept 7, @ 3:25 arrive 5:17 pst
Returning Saturday 2:25 pst arrive 9:40 pm est

Funeral Woodlwan Funeral home 1:30

It saddens me that I won't be able to soundscape out there. They wouldn't understand. Not thinking that the youngest son - the one closest to Mom might want to say, do, play, sing something... It doesn't occur to them. That how it is. I am once again dismissed. Reduced to carrying the coffin. Me, the enteral pall-bearer...

Saturday, September 4, 1999: The Call

11:00 am. GFM.

I ended up talking to M on the phone until 4:00 am... Strange to think that she'll be here tonight. I have to clean my place up before she arrives, it is a mess. Plus I have about two loads of laundry to do, which I will have to do this afternoon before I DJ tonight... I am not looking forward to DJ'ing tonight at all.

But...

I feel a little better than I did yesterday and better than I have all week. Is it the sleep? Rod picks me up at 3:30 pm which means I have to do my laundry by 2:30 pm which means I have to leave here by 1:00 pm... It is 11:30 am now. I ate too quickly. I am still hungry... Maybe I should have toast and jam.

I can smell bacon. I like that smell.

10:35 pm

I'd showered and dressed and was just about to walk out the door to meet Rod when Anne called... She told me that Mom died at 12:00 noon BC time which was 3:00 pm my time. (Bruce later said it was 2:00 pm my time but whatever...)

So... I walked over to the Grape Fruit Moon and met Rod. I told him that I wasn't about to work tonight. He arranged for a replacement then sat and had a beer while I had a glass of red. Bruce called the GFM and told me what I already knew.

It felt odd. I went home and changed then recorded an outgoing message on my phone machine of where I'd be. Then I came back to the Moon and sat outside in my usual spot (where I still am now)... And who rides up but Chris Chiasson. That was cool. I told him the bad news and we hung out until 7:00 pm when he had to go to meet Robin. Rod came back at around 6:30 pm and hung out with me until 10:00 pm.

JL called me here and we talked a bit.

More than anything I feel tired. But in a different way than normal. Not the tired you feel from carrying the weight but the tired you feel when you have set it down. That tired.

Now... Getting out West... How will I pull that off? Who will pick me up? Blah blah blah...

The gig on the 18th will still happen.

STRANGE... Mom and Dad are both gone.

I wish Michelle would hurry up and get here.

11:45 pm...

I've moved inside from the Patio. An Iron Duke sits in front of me. Sunni and Nathan are back from painting Sunni and April's new place. I'm still waiting form M to arrive. I hope she gets here soon. That would be good.

The Tragically Hip "Day for Night" plays on the CD player. Memories of 1994 when I was fat and richer. strange. I have spent the whole day here.

How very strange this life is...

Friday, September 3, 1999: Waiting for the Call

I was kept awake endlessly last night by those idiots on the second floor. I finally got to sleep at 6:00 am. I was late for work. I got in at 10:30 am. At lunch Richard F and I went to Kim's Deli and after walked up to Yonge Street. I got some blank tapes.

I got home from work at around 5:00 pm. I slept until 7:00 pm and did a mix tape for M. Anne called and told me that Howard says that Mom is worse... I also talked to Maralyn this afternoon.

Now I'm at the GFM. Its around 10:00 pm... I am half waiting for the call.

I had a dream there was a flood here. I wonder what that would mean.

So here I sit, doing what I've been doing since last fall... Waiting for the call. When will it come, when I'm here? When I'm DJ'ing? Sunni and Sandy are here. That makes me feel so much better. If only they knew...

April and Nathan just arrived. They move slowly to being back together. Some thing I think I predicted in 1997. Strange.

2:00 am. Time to go.

Thursday, September 2, 1999: Walking Through

I got a call from Bruce this afternoon. He says Mom doesn't have much time left. A wee at the most. Suddenly my world spins around me. Make phone calls, tell people, arrange...

ugh...

I called Rod the man and told him I might not be around next weekend...

I don't know if the 18th's gig will happen. I want more than ever to play it. I have to make it through this. How can it be so hard when I've had a year to prepare.

I came home early and soundscaped for about an hour a half. I fell asleep to the loop that I built and slept for a few hours until M called me.

Toby also called and left a message.

~ BLT on the way... I told Sandy and Sunniva. They hugged me and I fought down the urge to cry.

I MUST WALK THROUGH THIS and not fall into that dispairing place that I was in last fall.

11:30 pm... No camomile tea tonight. Practice went really well tonight. We went through all the songs except VMG. After we watched a video of the July 21st gig. It was okay. Watching it I wonder why people even clap. To me it isn't that interesting. We don't move around much. I barely move at all. How can I with all that stuff around my feet? How can I move? GP-8 foot switch to my left, the GR300 blue box in front of me, the GR100 to my right...

~ This weekend is the anniversary of the GFM opening up.

What will happen. I wish I could take my guitar and the D-12 out west with me and soundscape at the Church before people show up. But I doubt they'd let me.

Wednesday, September 1, 1999: Sixth Senseless

Waiting for JL in the Tango Hotel under 1 Richmond St W. I'll have to tell her about M. We are supposed to go see a movie. Some bum is sitting outside T.H. watching the secretaries go by. "Aqualung" comes to mind.

I am growing weary of DJ'ing. In fact I long for the day when I don't have to... But at the same time it is stead cash. 8:20 pm... No sign of JL.

Last night practice sucked. That worries me.

Here's JL...

1:05 am... GFM... I would have gone straight home but I had to drop off rent at Peter Treens.

The movie we saw was called "The Sixth Sense". It was okay. I wasn't into it especially since I'd figured out the punch line about 10 minutes into it.

~ Being with JL was weird. And uncomfortable. Why? Because I like her, but she seems eternally locked into this thing with Goat-Boy so I have no choice but to step away. And stepping away to the likes of M isn't that hard.