Sunday, August 29, 1999: But Am I Not?

12:35 …

I feel as if I have a hang-over although I didn’t drink last night at all.

M called me at around 3:00 am. I’d left a message for her but she was out with her friend Kathryn and her Cousin. We talked for about an hour.

JL left a message on my machine. She can’t get together because her Mom is in town. Which is okay. I have to tell her. Weird. I can’t see you because I’m not seeing M. But am I not?

A long Weekend and I’m NOT DJ’ing. So no big cash spending between now and the 11th. The 18th gig closes in. I’m not sure about the order of the songs.

I got up at 11:30 am today and walked down to the Green Machine to deposit my DJ’ing pay. I ran into April who was going to buy some groceries. I guess she’s at the Walmer Road apartments until the end of the month.

Megan just came in and we talked about “Detroit Rock City” which she’s seen three times. She works at a clothing store up the street now.

I had a dream about L last night. That hasn’t happened in a long time.

7:00 pm… I talked to Anne briefly on the phone. It was difficult. I’m not sure if I’ll go see Kevin Quain play tonight. Plus I need to practice guitar.

There is a kid next to me smashing a toy and making as much noise as possible. And the Mother is doing that “nice” hippy approach to parenting trying to talk to the kid instead of tell the kid to stop because he’s being selfish and annoying. She talks and the kid ignores her and continues to be annoying.

April intervenes and all is quiet…

Friday, August 27, 1999: Closing Time

Hmmm… Today was strange.. The meeting wasn’t the shit-storm I’d expected. In fact Collins was rather reasonable. At lunch Richard F and I went to Pho. He brought some photos of Snowmelter playing from the Clinton’s gig in May. There are a couple of good shots. Justin can use them for the website he’s making.

Tomorrow I DJ. My gig got switched so I start at 5:00 pm but I will get fed.

Sandy just rolled this Hot Wheels car to me. How many of these did I have? I used to play this game when I was a kid (and record it on my tape deck) where I’d set up a downhill track – my leftover bits of my Fat Track – and race two cars at a time. A drag race and each car would “belong” to people I knew. The world of people around me. George had a car, Bruce had a car, Gil, Ron, Anne, everyone had a car. I’d play this alone for hours and hours. Such solitude as a kid… Not good. I wonder how unlistenable that tape would be now.

1:20 am. Sandy has this way of talking to you, sharing some food and cheering you up… Sweet. She seems to approve of M.

I miss M a lot. Oh man. In so many ways she’s exactly what I want. But… she lives up in Ottawa.

Anne called. Tiff reminds me of Anne. I miss Anne.

Sandy is sweeping up…Tom Waits “Closing Time” is on the CD.

I found another GR300 21 pin cable tonight. Now I can run the GR100 with the Blue Guitar and the GR300 with the Melancholy Sun Guitar… That will be good. I am thinking about dressing up as Dad on the 18th for the gig. Just walk on at the last minute after the set up and shock Justin and Richard… But not if Mom goes first.

Thursday, August 26, 1999: Missing M

9:00 pm… at C’est What? I wrote 2 today. Got some payments. So next cheque after tax will be $1600.

Anyways I went out briefly with Frank, Chris Rogers, Phillip, Jason K, and some friend of Chris’ named Marty. We went up to the Duke of Wellington then to the Big Easy. I only stayed until 7:30 pm. Then went back to CJ. There was no one there. I was going to work but just emailed M then split.

1:00 am. And I find myself at GFM. All the usual suspects are here… Tomorrow there is a stupid meeting at 9:30 am with John Collins bellowing like an ape… I am not looking forward to it. But I can’t miss it.

Sunniva is concerned about my mood. Iron Duke (beer) at 6% isn’t helping. Tiff just walked in.

The Undesirables were great. As always. I’m sleepy and hungry. Vesta? It is a thought. Where else can you go?

Just had a thought.

I am free. I’m over L. Over NCL… Over them all… ALL. Not one has an ounce of power. Wow.

But…

I miss M. I miss holed her hand. I miss kissing her mouth. I miss her brown eyes. I miss the pure comfort of her embrace.

I MISS OTTAWA GIRL…

Hmmm. Hard to admit that.

Since no one will ever read these journals why do I worry about what I write??

Strange.

Sandy and Maury are here now. She says hello to me.

Time to go…

Wednesday, August 25, 1999: Amazing

WELL… what do I say?

The last four days have been overwhelming. Now the bittersweet taste of saying goodbye to Michelle (Ottawa Girl) is fresh in my mouth…

Strange.

If she lived here we’d be dating… But she doesn’t. So where do I go with this.

After Kevin Quain we came back to the rest and mine as they say is history. Oh my. Such history.

I slept poorly though Sunday night. Waking and falling asleep and waking as if every dream I had was partly made up of her dreams leaking into my head.

Monday I didn’t go to work. A day in bed. We were up by 4:00 pm. Oh man.

JL called me about 5 times in the last few days. I spoke to her Tuesday afternoon. We are going to go out and do something Monday. I’m going to tell her though that I can’t be anything beyond friend. It’s too confusing. And although I’m not “dating” M… I have to be clear in my head about where I’m putting my affections. I don’t want to complicate this any further.

And what about M? I see it ending with her meeting someone else. What can the outcome be? She lives there in Ottawa and I am here. Neither of us is about to move. If anything I’m more likely to move FURTHER AWAY. Like to Manila….

So this is the sad part of the story.

12:00 midnight… I feel fat and bloated. Why? And I am tired.

The Tom Waits concert was AMAZING. More amazing than anything I could write to describe it. He was this ultimate performer. Inspired… off the cuff… and at the same time calculated and exact. He went from being a crazed evangelist to a ring master to a carnie caller to a drunken broken guy in a bar playing a piano… It was amazing.

He stomped on a platform that seemed to be mic’d to pick it up and transit it into a thunderstorm. He had flower or dust or something on it at his feet that kicked up and drifted with each stomp so he looked like some derelict struggling through a 1920s dust bowl.

AMAZING…

His band… guitarist, double bass, keys (B3, pump organ, etc) percussion…. Amazing.

M loved it. Absolutely. I brought her to the GFM. Sandy, Sunniva and Romeyn were here. That raised eyebrows. Then we went back to 1019.

I DIDN’T GET TO WORK UNTIL 5:45 PM… and was there until 9:00 pm. Oh man.

Tomorrow The Undesirables play at C’est What? I’m going to work until 9:00 pm then walk over and see them.

2 wines and I am drunk. Sandy has gone home. Lucas is here.

Hmmm. M reminds me of J in a way. In several ways.

Sunday, August 22, 1999: Waiting for Rob

Last night Sunniva bought me a wine and we talked for ages. She got very quiet at one point when we were talking about my Mom and I thought she was going to cry. All she said was “I miss my Dad”…

Afterwards I walked up to Karen’s for the party. Which was dying out as I arrived at 2:30 am. Gregg was there as was his friend Joanne and her boyfriend who she brought to see Snowmelter.

Now I’m waiting for Rob at GFM. A hundred dollar bill in my pocket from last night’s gig. I’m beginning to think about the order of songs for the September 18th Snowmelter gig at the Cameron House. 2 sets… I worry a little about the turn out. The I always worry about the turn out. Rob just drove by in the low-hopper cruiser mobile. I guess he’ll park up at 1019.

Saturday, August 21, 1999: Damage Man

Oh man… I just got back from the Damage Man. Tomorrow I’ll tell the tale of Richard (dopey) and Aura’s wedding. Not tonight or today… oh man. Anyways… I had breakfast at the Dead Rooster with Gregg and this guy Brett. It’s now 1:00 pm and my laundry is in the mat and I am at GFM on the patio under the lightening rod tent. I am all messed up. Running on autopilot. Karen, Gregg’s friend is having a party tonight and I was invited to go after I finish DJ'ing.

JL has called a few times. Ottawa Girl arrives tomorrow night. Toby wants me to go out to see friend of hers play. Kevin Quain plays tomorrow night but Justin M has to go to a funeral so he won’t be joining us.

It’s wonderful to see Sunniva and Sandy. A week… it’s been a week. How will I do it when I’m out west for however long THAT takes? I’m absolutely positive that trip will take it all from me. But… at the same time it will be a weight off my soul.

Tiff just parked her bike near by and said hello. She’s beautiful. Too bad she’s only 22.

2:00 pm… Rod the man picks me up at 5:00 pm. Which means he’ll pick me up at 5:30 pm. Laundry is done. I feel better than I did this morning. I’m still tired though.

Strange how confusing the thing with JL is for me… As much as I like/desire Ottawa Girl it worries me. At what point do I say, “This is as far as I can go”. The worst part is neither situation is really a possibility. Ottawa Girl lives in Ottawa… For all I know she has someone there. JL lives with Goat-Boy.

1:50 am… Back at GFM. There is a party at Karen’s but… I am reluctant to go. I don’t even know what I’m doing here. A glass of red wine. Tonight’s wedding was so-so. I’m glad it is over. Tom Waits on the CD player now. I don’t feel very sociable.

One of Justin’s pals from the Morris dancing gang passed away. I feel bad for him.

I’m tired. It just hit me. My red wine may or may not effect that. Ya. I am tired. It fades in and out. But… my mind wanders to weird images from childhood. Images of airports, afternoons in the sun and a thousand day dreams. Strange. I feel oddly obligated to go and visit Karen’s. Vesta food seems appealing too.

Sunniva just made eye contact from across the room…

Friday, August 20, 1999: Where Have I Been?

The comedy of errors that is Drug Addict Richard and Aura’s “wedding” continues. I’m sitting alone in the rain on Toronto Island where we are supposed to meet. A bug crawls across the page. Some men on a barge and tow-boat (tug) clean the crap from the water with pitchforks. I have two rolls of black & white film. It is cold, wet and miserable. Still this is comforting. A solitude I needed. Meeting Richard (drug addict)’s family explains partly why he is what he is. His Father is some sort of weird fascist spouting yahoo with cryptic numbers and pins on his yucky blue suit. His Mom is the Eaton’s Catalogue wife who has no opinion other than her husband. His brother is a fat balding Mississauga guy full of complaint and who knows what else. The only one among the bunch with an ounce of life was Richard’s niece who ran around chasing finches and ducks. Yikes. Now I wait here in the rain for the pot-smokers to arrive.

3:30 pm… I’ve taken shelter from the rain under some 1970s built shelter/food kiosk thing. Hopefully the Ferry will return without the dope heads and I can leave. Richard’s Fascist Father is horrible. Frightening.

11:55 pm. GFM…

Nathan and Meredith are working. A 10-dollar cab ride here. So… a weird evening. Where do I start? Or do I wait for sobriety to tell the story of Aura and Richard the Dope head’s wedding day.

Oh… Sandy just came up and said, “Where have you been… I’ve been worried about you…” Hmmmm…

Where the hell is Sunniva. I need my Sunni fix. It seems like a thousand years since I’ve been here. A Thousand years. One day to God. Where have I been? Where have I been? Visiting an old friend.

1:40 am… BLACK ROOSTER TIME… and Marika is here. I am drunk. Beyond drunk.

Thursday, August 19, 1999: Complications

Hmmm… This has been a strange week. Complications arise. JL and I went out Monday night. We were out until 3:00 am… I can’t even figure out how that is possible. We were at Insomnia until 1:30 am or so and it took us over an hour and a half to get from Bathurst and Bloor to Palmerson and College. A magical night.

YET… Goat-Boy remains. As do her insurmountable walls of defense… Meanwhile…

Ottawa Girl ™ and I have moved beyond endless Emails to endless phone calls to late night conversations… I asked her to see Tom Waits. Sunday she comes to Toronto and plans to stay at her Mothers until Tuesday. Right now she’s away camping…

Last night I went out with GRH. She’s finished with Mathew and isn’t in a happy place… Which is sad.

Work is okay. I am unfocused. I think partly due to the pointlessness of it and the JL/Ottawa Girl ™ conflict. Or maybe it is the weight of the phone calls from out west describing Mom’s condition. Or maybe it is the 6-day workweeks and the endless walking to and from CJ. Even soundscaping has been a big effort. My sacred time is now the two hours between walking home on Tuesday and Thursday and practice. From 5:30 pm until 7:30 pm. The sacred sleep and waking to the big band show on the radio.

Wednesday, August 18, 1999: August Night Scribblings

the wine of your kiss has made me drunk
time blurred
your touch both soothing and awakening me
a moment
the the spot where we stood
and held each other is empty

in me that place is forever an august night
your mouth meeting mine
like a first real kiss
only so much better
trees cats and streetlights watch us

how can i sleep now

Sunday, August 15, 1999: Comfort Zone Sunday

Sunniva doesn't want me to smile at her or not exactly... she wants to know why I am so "smiley".

Drew, Carean, Arielle and Jeremy picked me up early this morning and we went to the Comfort Zone. We danced. I danced. Until this afternoon. Jeremy seemed to be having fun. I had such a good morning. A total six. Now I'm at GFM and waiting for my french toast and goodies. hmmmm. so...

Last night's wedding was a huge success. They danced. They loved me.

2:50 pm... Apparently I am being annoying. But they (Sunniva and Sandy) love it. Drew and I ate an entire bag of gummie bears.

5:40 pm... oh my... Still at the GFM.

11:30 pm... I'm back at the GFM. For a camomile tea. I'm actually really tired now. Justin is out with Kim. It's weird not going to see Kevin Quain.

I don't think I had a single regular tea today. No. Drew bought me one when we were standing in line wating to get into the Comfort Zone. What a strange morning.

They wanted me to go to a Rave in Hamilton with them. Perhaps I should have gone. But then who would have annoyed Sunniva and Sandy?

This Camomile tea is not satisfying. I need a real tea. With milk and sugar.
Pearl Jam is on the CD player and it is boring boring boring. And the song that is now on SUCKS. I

Almost midnight. Time to go sleep.

GRH left a message on my machine at 10:00 am today. I was with the feel good crowd.

Saturday, August 14, 1999: Book of Saturday

10:50 am. cough cough... coffee. water. Sunniva rolling knives & forks up in napkins. My head is feeling stuffed up. Congested. I slept well though. Strange dreams. Being in this building where my access card didn't work for anything other than the second floor.

~ It is busy here today. Cloudy outside. with the feeling of rain on the way... and the strange feeling that I can only say is like the last day of camp. Change.

I am afraid in my heart that Mom may go sooner rather than later. Is that what I'm feeling? Will I get the call before September?

Something is going on. I can feel it. Pain in my shoulder say "rain" this feeling says CHANGE. But what? Good or bad? Loss or gain? Joy or sorrow? I can't see what it is. It is like falling with your eyes closed. Something is changing and it some how effects me but not in a way I'd expect or see until later. Or even see at all. A shift that is related to me but far enough away that I can't see it.

~ Thinking about JL. I don't think she'll leave Goat-Boy any time soon. I'll be in Manila before that happens. I don't think there is any point in chasing after her any further.

~ Last night's Undesirables gig was good. Kim met up with Justin & I there. Chris C was there too of course. I wonder if the full band version of the Undesirables is running into some kind of problem. In some ways I like the duo version better with just Sean and Corin.

1:25 pm ~ The day moves towards the window of what I have to do... Meet Rod at 8:00 pm at Royal York.

I have now had six coffees. Sunniva protests giving me more.

Friday, August 13, 1999: Knowing What You Want

~ 6:45 pm... I'm so sleepy. Why?
Well... Anyway I'm back once again at the GFM. I don't have to DJ tonight. That's nice. the Underisables play at Graffiti tonight so I'll go down for that... or maybe I won't. I don't know. Even having to go do that seems like an intrusion to my time. ~

~ 7:20 pm. I 've been here since 5:30 pm. Just have no desire to move. Ate fish & chips for the first time here. It was good. Sandy sat with me and told me about some guy she dated pre-Maury. In my mind he was the guy who she once said "Knows what he wants". Which to me is an over-rated quality. I can never be accused of knowing what I want... but I can be accused of knowing what I don't want.

Anyways I guess he may have known what he wanted but didn't know what to do with it or how to hang on to it.

Thursday, August 12, 1999: Pushed Away

Just back from a brief visit to the otherside. I slept from 5:30 pm until 6:45 pm or so. I dreamed about "that place". I also had a dream about The Bean and her Sister. Bits and pieces of it remain which I won't speak of here.

~ Richard F called and cxl'd practice tonight. Justin and I could have got together but both agreed that there would be no point. So instead we agreed to meet at GFM. Sandy has a headache (stress).

I went up to North York to see Dr. Kerry this morning about my eye. Afterwards I walked down our old street; Holmes Ave to try and find our old house. I couldn't remember the number though and all the places sort of look the same. I walked down the block which has changed with new monster homes. It was sort of weird and sad. I miss Mom & Dad & Anne & Silver & The Cat. "I miss home".

I feel I was just torn from here at 17. My world at 17. Mandolin lessons which day? Tuesday? Hanging out with Jay... Walking down to the Valley with Strider. Alamosa Drive walks with Colin Newman A-Z song in my head.

My last night in Toronto in 1981 before moving to BC. Almost 20 years ago now. It is a pity the journal from that time is gone and lost... What was that time like? Now it is like remembering bits of a dream. What was that girl's name?? I went to school with her. She lived on Alamosa Drive. We went on some awkward date. I met her at PJ's Pet Centre where she worked on Yonge by Sheppard. There was an awkward kiss goodnight...

Strange I can't remember her name.

~ Or riding my bike one last time aroudn that area... and Laurie Brown (one of the "Slugs" from George Vanier Senior Secondary School) was sitting on the patio of her house with one of her friends.

Falling asleep the last night in that house on Holmes Ave to a cassette of Bowie's "Honky Dory" that Jay gave me. The house was so empty because the movers had left with everything already. Strange I thought for sure it would unfold differently. I remember the joy of flying out and being met by Anne and Ron Bianco, then going to Ron's place in Surrey.

The first time I heard King Crimson was the day after I arrived. Waking up to the sun. Putting it on and the first song... "Red". Wow. It just blew me away.

A long time ago

~ Talking to Ron about "sampling technology"... The Emulator had just come out. Storing 3 sounds on a giant floppy disc. Going to see "Raiders of the Lost Arc" with no idea of what it was about or any expectations... Just that Harrison Ford was in it. A long time ago.

THEN...

This is a long time ago too... Much longer than I even know.

11:40 pm

Spoke to JL. It had that "push me away" feeling to it. I came back here and Sandy knew right away there was something wrong. Strange. We "may" hook up next week. I don't know what to think. I feel awful.

~ Sunniva is mopping up. Sandy has gone home. These two, very caring. Amazing.

Oh well.

I got another email from Ottawa Girl. she may be in Toronto on the weekend of the 22nd... to see Kevin Quain. GREAT. Hopefully we can meet up.

Camomile tea takes affect. I grow sleepy. I want to wake up warm and safe.

Almost time to go. Camomile #2 is working well and I'm fading out. Oh yes. Fad away and radiate.

waking beside you
first light
afraid to move, not wanting to distrurb you
you red hair
long and wavey laying across my chest
your eyes closed
so strange how I'd wished for that
and never expected it
to sleep intangled with you
it felt strange to wake from a dream
to a dream
then to fall asleep again

Wednesday, August 11, 1999: What Can I Do?

Work is quiet. Three guys quit yesterday and no one is working hard. I have a ton of payments and my next cheque is at 2k already.

I walked home at 4:30 pm, which was nice.

Dopehead from the second floor and pestered me tonight. Him and his stupid pal who came from England when he was 4 years old but STILL talks with a fake English accent at 22. Apparently Dopehead and Cortney Lovelace are fighting. Anyways he wanted to play me some song so he dragged me out onto the porch and played it to me. That Moochie chick who hangs out at The Rooster walked by and I made the mistake of making eye contact. So it turned into a little sesson of watching her mooch smokes, red wine and so forth from those two screw-ups. I had to retreat to soundscaping just to clear my head from the poison people.

JL phoned and left a message when I was on the porch. I also got a hold of GRH. We are going to meet up next week. I sent Anne a package today with a letter for her to read to Mom. Maybe that's what has been bugging me today. Mom... or something. The house is driving me crazy.

Work... Chris Rogers is talking about quitting as is Jason K.

~ I had a weird "shift" while I was soundscaping tonight. It was for about 2 or 3 seconds and it was a point were I had reached in a way a perfect loop or combination of notes. Like it couldn't go any further. It is hard to discribe with out having a recording of it. If you aren't there you can't really understand it. It startled me. And in a way it had a physical feeling to it as if everything around me moved or something. I feel like there is some unseen effect when I do it. As if I will vanish in a puff of smoke if I'm not careful.

~ Sunniva is here and talking to me.

I DJ on Saturday. An easy one. I just have to show up and play from 9:00 pm until 1:00 am. And from the playlist. It's totally "typical" - no Twinn Peaks...

Scrabble Man is here.

Sandy is making me a BLT with fries.... Some guy behind me is talking Elephant Talk. BLAH BLAH BLAH SHUT THE HELL UP...

11:45 pm. I've eaten.

Sandy looks stressed out. That's not good. I wish I could help, but what can I do
?

Tuesday, August 10, 1999: GFM & Practice

I stayed at the GFM until 10:00 pm last night. First Sandy showed up with Quinn and Abbey, and I played Scrabble with them while she got ready for her shift. Playing Scrabble with small words made for a difficult board, but it was a blast. They are two very clever kids. Quinn seems to really want someone to hang out with though.

Kim & Justin showed up at around 6:00 pm and once Maury showed up and took over the kid-sitting duties I sat with them. They stayed until around 9:00 pm then after they left Marc Lemyre showed up. He hung out and we talked until about 10:00 pm then I paid my bill and split.

Now I am back here at the GFM. It is pissing rain today.

It was nice to come in here this afternoon and Meredeth was playing Lucinda Williams "Car Wheels on a Gravel Road" really loud. It was one of those nice moments of solitude that isn't lonely. She reminds me of DNS a lot - although she's not as flakey.

~ mmm.. I'm stumped about JL... What will happen? If she follows standard procedure I won't hear from her for two months. ~ Well at least she knows what I think of Goat-Boy now...

11:20 pm

Practice tonight was good. Very good in fact... We ran through all the songs. We also made some sense of Spooky Kaboke finally...

It was really good to play again. Justin has bought a new amp. It is an old Fender bass "side-kick" but it sounds GREAT.

~ I am still undecided about work. I don't want to go to Manila until after Mom's situation is resolved.

I have emailed Ottawa Girl a lot. Not sure where that will go if any where.

Monday, August 9, 1999: Drew & Carean's Wedding

Home again home again jiggity jig...

3:30 pm although my sense of time is all screwed up.

Last night turned to end on and interesting note...

Okay... first the day.

Cousin Rob met me at the Black Rooster at about 9:30 am. JL showed up with JL Jr at about the same time. We loaded up the Impala and headed out under threatening skies. The drive up was wonderful though. The old 1960s special was designed to actually fit an adult from North America so the leg room was wonderful. Plus it was such a solid ride. We weren't buffeted about by the wind or the speed of the ride.

I slept for about an hour until we pulled off at around Trenton at a Coffee Time by a Shell gas station. I've never been to a Coffee Time before that wasn't a shithole full of welfare bums and crack-heads or where the beverages themselves didn't have the added flavour of stale cigarette smoke. This one was obviously run by a family and though not fancy wasn't what I've come to expect...

Anyways... We drove on to Kingston and arrived at the Nash homestead at 1:00 pm... Carean was some what in a panic. A Bride's job I guess. Carean's sister Sara and her niece Tessa were also there with her Dad. We brought our stuff inside and changed into our dress clothes. From there we drove down to this place called Lamoine Point near Collin's Bay (I kept having the mental image of my sales mgr John Collins' fat ass baking out on the deck of his new boat in the middle of Collins Bay)...

The ride and walk to Lemoine point was totally reminiscent of being in Albert in 1968 for church camp. Driving along unpaved back roads in a giant 1963 monstrosity (and a read one - that same deep crimson that Dad's cars always seemed to be) The impending doom sky,, the general feeling of the whole thing. It just felt familiar. We had to walk around looking for the spot where the ceremony was to be held. Having been the first to arrive there was no one to guide us so we marched around aimlessly for a bit. We eventually ran into some others as we headed back to the car and were pointed in the right direction. With that we followed this path through the woods (which REALLY reminded me of Alberta) until we found Arielle's boyfriend Jeremy Bowmaster who sent us on another path which eventually lead us to the spot.

Drew was there already with Christen both dressed in Kilts. It was great to see him. The ceremony it self was split into to parts. The first was a little skit thing where Sara and Arielle come of from one path and Christen and some other fellow who's name escapes me came out the other way. They each had a line or two but the basic idea being that Carean is out picking wild flowers to use for a painting and that Drew was out picking wild flowers looking for ones to use in his cooking. Then the four disappear and bring back out Drew and Carean. They act out the meeting where Drew comes over to the ladies and kisses Carean's hand. Then he brings her to meet the Grooms' men. They did a little dance and then gathered up flowers that had been given out to all of the guests. Then they ran down this path and Carean changed into her Wedding outfit. The ceremony came afterwards. I was designated as the MC.

The Ceremony was nice. The best part was Era done up as Cupid with little angel wings and a bow. They'd written their own vows and it was a very sweet and loving ceremony. As totally cynical as the wedding industry can make you I really enjoyed this. It was totally unconventional... But then so are Drew & Carean.

Drew's parents (Penny & Mike) are totally wonderful. I think they are better off up here in Kingston. Even their stupid cat Raisin looks happier. Its fur is nice, its eye is healed, it's gained weight and it did something I never saw at 1019, it purred and came up looking for affection.

After the ceremony was done it was time to mill around. Peter & Darlene were there with their kids. I ended up helping Jeremy stack the folding chairs and so forth into the van. He's a really nice guy.

Cousin Rob was awesome with JL. He helped out and was there for her the whole time. Carrying stuff (including JL Jr) doing what needed to be done and adding this really calming effect to the situation.

The reception was to start at 4:30 or so. We had time to kill, plus I wanted to pick up my camera so I got a key off of Drew's Dad and we went back to the Nash homestead and hung out there for awhile. I was beat and could have slept for 12 hours.

The Reception was out at this golf course. By the time we'd picked up film at the local Mac's Milk and sugared ourselves up on gummy worms, sour soothers and chocolate loonies the sky had cleared at it was beautiful out. Driving along to the golf course totally reminded me of Alberta again.

FOOD. Oh yes food.

Have I ever mentioned what total joy there is in food? Especially the absolute treat of not having to pay for it? Brie cheese and fine Red Wine. Sitting on the patio/balcony of the Golf Club watching the sky and the harmless clouds. Later Rob and I were joined by this cousin of Drew's who was your regular working Joe and I guess he felt more comfortable with us. Rob with his working man's hands...

Food. The food was so good. Of course. I pigged out on the horderves. These little roast beef strips wrapped around water-chestnuts... oh man. And these cheese balls.

Eventually we were all sitting at the head table and meal began. I reintroduced myself and proposed a toast to Era. After food it was time for speeches... the order was Penny, Sara, Mike, Christen, Arielle, and then Drew & Carean...

I was relieved when my duties were done and it was time for dessert. Rob was seated with Peter and Darlene as was JL. I went over and hung out with them. Eventually we went back to the Nash's.

We changed and I sat and played Carean's acoustic guitar for ages... It was like making out with an old girlfriend. Eventually the crew returned and we moved out on to the deck. Rob & I wasted no time getting into the swimming pool. Even after an hour no one else had joined us. We goofed around and laughed it up like idiots.

The stars were out. So many so beautiful.

Later we went to the Nash hot tub and were joined by JL (oh my...) and Tessa (oh my...) unbelievable. We alternated from pool to hot tub to pool. It was great. Rob left at around 1:30 am and I was sorry to see him go. Drew and Carean were sent off to Ottawa in a Limo. JL and I were put down in their basement apartment with the now sleeping Era and JL Jr.

OH BOY...

It wasn't long before JL and I were all tangled up together. If the specter of Goat-Boy wasn't a factor I suspect a choice would have been made.

I woke this morning at 7:00 am. JL was up making cereal for JL Jr and Era. Drew and Carean got back from Ottawa at around 11:30 am. JL and I got a ride back to Toronto with Arielle.

Sunday, August 8, 1999: From The Nash's Patio

It's probably 1:30 am... I am so beyond tired. I am outside in the Nash's backyard in Kingston on their patio deck thing.

Carean's sister Sara and JL are in the hot tub. I am no longer interested in being in the pool or hot tub or wet so I am dressed. I just want to sleep. I'm too tired to report the day, I'll do that tomorrow night at the GFM. But it was a wonderful day. A perfect day. Having Cousin Rob up for it was amazing. I'm glad he's here.

JL is wonderful. She looks really great in her swim suit too...

THIS IS THE TIME FOR NEW. All the stuff from a few years ago is fading away.

Saturday, August 7, 1999: Fantasy Farms vs The Elmwood

Well.....

M & M is gone. A feeling of pure fear runs through all the greenhorns at Chuck E's... Myself... I went through this at EAM. So...

DJ'ing last night was weird. A hell bride. I had to play the theme to "twin peaks" when she had her ceremony outside near the woods at Fantasy Farms. That set the mood for the evening. The Groom was nice but she was a total nutcase. I'm glad it wasn't me getting married to her.

I hung out with Sunniva at the GFM after she closed. I ended up staying up until 5:00 am so...

I met Rob Joy (Sid Six) at the Rooster today at 11:00 am. He's been house sitting for Toby. Toby's back so she came along.

12:00... I DJ tonight at the Elmwood. Which is good. I don't have to be there until 8:30 pm so its a matter of set up and play. I'll miss the dinner but I also miss having to sit there endlessly.

6:30 pm...

Rod will call me at 8:00 pm to let me know if he's picking me up for the Elmwood gig. I wonder about Chuck E's now. I don't want to leave before December but I want to leave. The writing is on the wall. The question is do I go to Manila?

I am at the GFM. No Wedding food tonight. Just a burger. Breakfast with Rob Joy and Toby was nice. Toby left before Rob J so we talked for a while.

GRH left a message on my phone machine. I think she was mad I hadn't called her back after her last message. I had forgot.

3:30 am... Oh, boy... I am drunk... From GFM not the Wedding I DJ'd. Scotch, red red Wine... it's raining. Lovely.

The Bride I felt sorry for. The groom was a real jerk. She was sweet. and beautiful to boot. Yet... he wasn't even there for the last dance. She had to dance with the best man. And the two families hated each other for some reason. It was bizarre.

GFM wasn't as good without Sandy.

Oh boy, Rob is driving me to Kingston for $60 bucks. JL is coming too with JL Jr. That should be interesting. A baby seat in a 1962 convertable.

Rob meets me at the Dead Rooster for 9:00 am... UGH... I will be a bag of shit.

Wednesday, August 4, 1999: Inventory

It rained and thundered all day. It cleared this afternoon for a bit then there was this big downpour... it was unbelievable. Zero visablity from it, then it turned to hail.

Now the sky has cleared. To the south there's all these amazing clouds as the storms move off. The air has this amazing smell to it. The GFM Patio is wet and the tables under the lightening rod tent are full... April is working. Deb is here.

Coffee... MMM. on the CD some crap-jazz. Only the fretless bass makes it tolerable.

I dreamed last night I was here and Sandy was cooking frogs on the grill. Then one tried to get away and she caught it. When she put it back on the grill it was a skunk. What the hell does that mean?

8:00 pm... April is playing a CD which I'm not sure of the name... There is one song called "Drunken Angel" which is amazing. I'll have to ask her who this is.

Twinn wants to open for us next time as a full band. I don't want that. I only want them as an acoustic duo. The whole reason I never want a band opening for us again is the set-up tear-down factor. The annoying chore of having to set up our gear, sound check, tear down our gear, set up their gear, have them play, then tear down then set up again. If an acoustic act opens all they get is DI's or mics for their guitars and mics for their vocals. Easy. Our stuff can get set up and LEFT UP. And now we have so much stuff. Richard has all his guitar stuff and pedals, Justin has the bass, the amp and the Keybass. I have the Groove box, the GR 300 blue box, the GR 100 yellow box, the GP8 and floor pedals plus the guitar amp and the keyboard amp.

12:35 ... Dorris showed up at the GFM and sat with me then we went over to see who was at the Rooster. It turned out Justin and Bobi-Jo were there. We hung out and drank. Now I am back at GFM.

August will speed by the same way July did. I'll be sad when this summer ends. It's been good.

Tuesday, August 3, 1999: Brewing

It is raining... it brewed all day... well it was nice when I walked in to work this morning. But by early afternoon these clouds began to arrive. I walked home at 4:30 pm and watched these very Biblical clouds rolling in.

I slept from 5:30 pm until 6:30 pm. I made some food when I woke and cleaned a bit. Richard F and Justin M came over at 8:00 pm and we rehearsed until 10:00 pm.

NCL called from the UK. Secret Squirrel is in the States, has been for months. I guess that's why the calls.

~ Weird dreams this afternoon. Images mostly. On a boat going through all these islands. That's normal... It's always the same place. Other images. Strange. People laying down on the ground. They weren't dead, or didn't seem like it.

It's now almost Midnight. April & Sandy are on at GFM. I'm having a mint tea for my throat. I spoke to Rob Joy for a bit. He's taking care of Toby's place while she's out west. They've officially split up now. That's sort of sad. He wants to hook up for breakfast on Saturday at the Rooster.

I'm going to DJ at the Elmwood on Saturday because I need the money. So I will go up to Kingston on Sunday. JL called about Sunday. She's talking about renting a car with Goatboy. As if I want to indure a car ride with stupid Goatboy.

~ Tom Waits is on the CD "Closing Time"....

Omenboy from Al Beardsell's old band is here. Why do I dislike him so much? Because of how dismissive he was to me around Al? I don't know. He's talking. Elephant talk.

God. Omenboy is pitching April... EEECCCCHHH...

We sucked during practice tonight. I think we were all rusty and tired.

Monday, August 2, 1999: Saying Good-bye the First Time

1:55 pm at the Dead Rooster... My choice was to come here and deal with ______ or go to GFM and deal with _________. I chose here.

It is cool out. Almost autumnish. I spent far too much cash yesterday but it was an amazing day. Cousin Rob showed up at around 1:00 pm and we moved out on to the patio, I had a beer and he had breakfast. Justin M came over at around 2:30 pm and joined us. Sandy also came out and sat with us.

She got a new (old used) fridge (another one) and needed help getting it moved in. So while others fluttered about uselessly, Cousin Rob, Justin M and I were in there moving it about like experts. It was impressive. And it was fun.

After Justin and I drove down to Song Bird Music with Rob in his Dad's giant 1962 convertable Chevy Impala. We had the top down and the oldies crackling on the AM radio. We took the longest route possible. It was just one of those AMAZING moments, and I realized that my brother Bruce has lived his life in a way designed to insure those kind of moments. Justin sat in the front seat and I felt like JFK in the back.

After poking around at Song Bird adn buying some "manly strings" for teh Blue GR Guitar we drove along Queen Street to Broadview, the overhead streetcar wires rendering the AM radio unlistenable. We took Broadview up to the Road north of the Danforth that runs down to Fantasy Farms and to the Bayview extension. We zoomed down to the Rosedale Valley road. We eventually dropped Justin M off at his place, parked and went back to GFM for a bit. Then Rob and I walked over to the Ice Cream shop at Brunswick and Bloor.

Rob had brought his guitar down so we went back to my place and mucked around. I restrung the Blue Gina Rae Guitar and it sounds amazing. The strings that were on it must have been really old. At around 9:00 pm we drove down the Cameron house and waited for Justin and Kim to show up. All the usual suspects were there for the Kevin Quain show.

Justin writes - There was this "irritating girl" as Kim called her, who insisted on sitting close to us and nattering on in a loud pseudo British accent about inane subjects. Luckly she left after the first set. Rod Booth was there playing his fiddle as amazingly as usual.

There was one interesting scene that Justin (that's me) witnessed where two drunken, fat, Texan men were buying numerous copies of KQ's CD. After the music stopped Kim & I went out while Lorne...

While Lorne hoped for frisky frolics...

Huh?

Let me back-track...

Two females - one from Ottawa named Michelle and her friend Kathryn sat beside us. Michelle was from Ottawa, works for the Government, had the stocky solid Policewoman build I enjoy so much, with big solid clamp on you legs and very exotic eurasian eyes (Chinese/French Canadian mix... mmmmm) Anyways she was yummy and we seemed to hit it off...

Justin, any obsevations?

Well, I'd have to say that Ottawa Girl (tm) was definately digging Lorne, although he should have predicted her friend would throw a wrench in the works, given the social structure of the situation. One has to wonder though if Lorne really wants to his time with that given recent developments in other situations...

"Fish with a net" my Father once said.

In any event when it became obvious that Michelle was the object of my intentions then suddenly friend had to go home, dispite the fact today was a holiday etc. So although Ottawa Girl (tm) was up for some late night Neon Lobster and was very close proximity & touchie...

UGH... But I got her phone number and email address...

~ Justin and I went to the GFM at around 2:30 pm. We played scrabble with Tiff. Justin headed out and I took Tiff out for dinner. As nice as she is... and she is nice... I'm not as interested as I was. Strange.

It was fun though. We walked around a bit, talked. We ate at Las Iganas which was so so. We got an ice cream over at Brunswick an Bloor.

~ Suddenly I look at my watch and it is 1:30 am. Weird. I am on my second camomile tea. My throat is sore.

April is closing up GFM. She's finally splitting with that guy Brent. Everyone is breaking up or broken up. Strange how things go.

Tomorrow is Tuesday. The wheel turns over and over and as it does the cycle continues to repeat and slowly change. Until suddenly...

You are no longer where you were...

~ why has it taken so long fro me to notice that?

Why did the first time I said good-bye to L feel like the "last time"?
The same way that... Well... I won't say it.

Sunday, August 1, 1999: Tia Maria

Last night's wedding was a huge success. It was out at the Ramada Inn by Don Mills and the 401. We were there on time and set up with an hour to spare. The staff were really nice to me, especially this big old Jamacian guy and this sweet little Spanish lady. The night went so well. The people danced and danced. I had to play this Portaguese music. One song called "Tia Maria" had the goofiest bass part of all time. It was like something Justin M would come up with as a joke. And it had this crazy dance that went with it. Lots of fun.

My translator, Sophia was HOT HOT HOT but also useless as a translator. I ended up having this weird kid with buck-teeth and thick glasses do it. It went on until 1:30 am. The move out was interesting. I couldn't go out the front door because there was this huge line-up from Caribana coming in to go to some party downstairs. So we had to go out the back door which of course once we opened we had these Caribana Queens trying to bribe/sweet talk their way in past the line up.

~ Cousin Rob called at 10:00 am to see what I was doing so he's going to meet me here at noonish.

It is now 12:10...

~ My vision is screwed still. There is now a little fuzzy zone in my right eye just above the centre. I hope it goes away.

Oh man, I feel so full. and today is feeling like a good day. The dark cloud that passed over my world last week seems to have rained itself dry.